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| I will always love you |
I’ve taken over a year off from this blog.
Not because I haven’t wanted to write, I have.
Not because I haven’t had a year of incredible experiences, I have.
Life got in the way. There was always something else. Something to do, something to watch, something to see.
Until now.
Everything has stopped right now.
My wonderful, beautiful, hilarious grandmother has passed away.
Even writing these words it doesn’t quite seem real…but if there was ever a reason to write again, this is it. If I can find the words.
My grandma and grandpa were the next ones to hold me right after I was born and they have been that close to me ever since. Every play, every swim meet, every school event, every graduation. My life. They have been there and supported me. It is truly an understatement to say I have been lucky.
The memories I have with all of my grandparents, but speaking now of those with my grandma are so beautiful I can only wish my children the same one day.
It’s hard to quantify the things I learned from my grandma. Whatever 25 years can earn me.
She is probably much to blame for my bad shopping habits. Working at Gayfers-turned-Dillards when I was young, she would always take me around to everyone, she was always showing me off. I’ve been told many of her Dr’s are well acquainted with my life and pictures…. I had one of the fullest closets around as a toddler….and it didn’t exactly get smaller as I got older…As I got older, going shopping was one of her favorite pastimes with my mom, my cousin and myself…always buying us things and then sticking more money down our clothes….and then always making Grandpa give us more! I am a stress shopper and in the last two days I have bought 3 pairs of shoes and more than a couple clothing items as I got report after report that she was getting worse. I will tell myself that she condones those purchases….they were, after all, on sale….something that she and mom ingrained in me from a young age.
I will always look at spaghetti and think of how she made it for me with ketchup and butter.
I will always make chocolate brownies with her in mind – her favorite dessert – even when we would go to Sweet Tomatoes and she wouldn’t want to pay for the buffet but would pay me to sneak the brownies into her purse to eat later.
I will buy Fannie May Chocolates…but I will hide them from Shai instead of how you hid them from Grandpa…because one thing I did not get from you is your sweet tooth! How many times did you order a chocolate fudge sundae with extra fudge on top from McDonalds?!
Every time I get a pedicure and giggle when they scrub my feet I will think of how I would torture you trying to tickle yours.
I wish you hadn’t smoked for all these years and I wish you would have drank water. It doesn’t help anything to say that but I need it get it out there. I always gave you shit in life for smoking…I guess I can in death too.
I will always say “I’m done” instead of “I’m finished” because it was always fun to see if you would correct me. I will use “well” and “good” properly…and cringe when I hear poor grammar.
I will keep your wedding band and engagement ring with me always, because even though you didn’t love diamonds, I love them.
“Boo!” will never be the same. It will always be our game…even though I have no clue why or how we started it
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| My dress fitting, and surprising her in HER wedding dress. |
I last spoke with my Grandma in April. I mean really spoke with her. My regular phone calls with her are hard because she hasn’t really been able to hear over the phone for a couple years. When I left, I cried a little because a part of me knew it could be the last time I see her. I didn’t really believe it but I did at least acknowledge it to myself. It was a good conversation, a happy one. We talked about Shai and I, we talked about the future and what we may end up doing in it. I showed them all of our wedding and honeymoon pictures.We talked about how she wished mom would get a new boyfriend who she didn’t have to settle on. Grandma and I always agreed on mom’s relationships. We held hands, hugged, I told them I loved them, and I left. It was a good visit and a good goodbye.
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| Our last photo together |
One of the hardest things about being in the military is not being close to family. Growing up, I was never more than an hour and a half from my grandparents and when they moved closer, it was only a mile away. It’s hard growing up and moving away and not being able to see your loved ones more often, or when they are in pain. It was hard getting married and not having any of our grandparents there. I was lucky to have my grandma at my bridal shower and to be able to have worn her wedding gown as part of my wedding but nothing can replace the real thing. I wish I could have been with her more this last year but I know she would just say “nooo, thats silly.” I can almost hear her now.
My heart breaks for my grandpa. Whose entire world revolves around my Grandma. I am too young and too newly married to think I can imagine losing your love after 63 years of marriage. I know he must feel so lost and lonely now. I hope he will stay with us longer, we can’t bear both being gone so soon. I can only hope that my Grandma will keep watch over Shai and I and guide us to a marriage as long and united as theirs.
I am going to Florida this weekend. A trip we planned a week ago in hopes I would make it in time to say goodbye. I wish I could have held her hand one last time and ran my fingers through her hair but I know her spirit is as much with me right now as it would have been there. And so I will tell her now what I wish I could have said there.
Thank you grandma. Thank you for loving me so much and spoiling me so hard. It meant so much to me for you to come to Colorado and see me graduate from college. But it also meant so much to me every swim meet you cheered for me at, every $20 bill you stuck down my pants, every conversation we had where I could tell you everything that was going on in my life. I have some dimes for you. I’ll keep them for now. Whether we were singing Readers Digest, or just sitting on the floor talking, I could always communicate so well with you. You always understood me, and even if you didn’t you probably just acted like you couldn’t hear me. I know you may not have had the easiest life, or the life you wanted at times when you were younger but I am grateful for your life and everyone in this world as a result of it. I love you grandma. I wish you could have been at our wedding but I will always have your wedding dress and my memories in it. I love you. I know that this is best because you are in pain and have been. But just because I know it in my head doesn’t make it easier on my heart. I’ve tried to be strong for mom because she is trying so hard to be strong for you and for everyone else but it really hurts. It hurts a lot. Every memory we have is good, which makes looking back so much harder. I don’t think I can comprehend not seeing you again. I’m not sure when I will. It’s ok though grandma, I know you need to go. I know its what is best for you and your soul. I love you. It’s ok.
