So I’m not sure if it’s because I’ve been getting back to some Yoga Sculpt classes this week or because work has been going well or just because I’m me but I have been feeling very happy lately. Often when I am on my moderately long drive home from work I have time to reflect on things and then I get all overwhelmed with being happy with how everything has worked out.
I feel very happy and grateful for where I am in my life. I’m 22, just built my first house, have a good job, and am half way through my masters degree. Now, I know there are 22 year olds who have done more than I have, who already have their masters or are almost done with their Phd or Dr or whatever but I think I am pretty pleased with how things have worked out. Really I sometimes feel like I under achieve my potential. I feel like I am torn between enjoying lazy time and wanting to constantly be doing more. Something more useful, something more productive, something more educational, something more at the gym, just something more.
Honestly, I think almost everything makes me happy, even the things that are pissing me off right now just feel like they are on the surface to just be brushed off. I love driving in my prius and seeing 50mpg when I am averaging 60mph. I love the scenery here in Vegas, all of the desert mountains and the constant sunshine. And there is really something to be said for having your own things in your own house. It is so comfortable and I feel so happy. Even when the pup gets all needy and wont leave me alone [like right now she’s trying to lick my hands as I type this] I have to just smile because as annoying as she can be, she still loves me.
At the same time, I still don’t know that I quite feel like a grown up. It’s funny because I was always told that I acted much older than I was, that I was very mature for my age, and I always wanted to be a grown up and do all of these things but now that I am, I feel almost like I am just playing house, playing grown up. Maybe it’s because no matter what I do, I will always need my parents to kind of reassure me when I do things. Maybe I don’t need it, but I certainly want it. Its like when you are a little kid and youre parents are getting you to try something for the first time and every 3 seconds you look back for confirmation that you are doing it [whatever it is] correctly. I feel like that, that I’m just an extension of my parents over here in Vegas and I keep looking back to make sure it’s OK.
I suppose in a literal sense I am a physical extension of my parents because I am both of them. I wouldn’t be here if I hadn’t had such rockin’ parents to start. Maybe the other reason I don’t feel like a real grown up is I still have those awful nightmares I had as a kid – you know, the ones where your parents die horrifically and you have to run to their room to make sure they are alive? Yah, I did that a lot as a kid. Can’t do that so much now but I’d be lying if I said when they don’t answer the phone that my mind doesn’t go to the most morbid thought. Yah, I need my parents. Whenever I hear about people who don’t have great relationships with their parents it makes me pretty sad inside. I cant imagine not being able to talk to my parents about everything. I have always had so much love and support with friends and family growing up that I never felt like achieving anything wasn’t completely possible for me if I so chose. It’s so crazy how every little thing adds up to make us who we are. As a behavioral science major I often like to look back on my childhood to identify different behaviors and personalities I interacted with that contributed to who I am today. I was always taught to surround myself with people who are going to build me up as opposed to break me down and I think that is something I really took to heart. I have very little patience for people who are jealous or cruel and I find that the most important people in my life are all there to help make me a better person. I really don’t have a lot of negative drama in my life [knock on wood], and for that, I am happy.